I’m behind…

Not where I hoped to be…flooded with too many tasks, too many goals….

I need to create an academic plan for my oldest for this upcoming semester…he has been coasting on reading books with every bit of his spare time—and I don’t mean educational books or classics, probably somewhere between twaddle and usefully entertaining. Not a horrible thing necessarily (I tell myself…) IF balanced with purposeful, rich literature. But I know he needs more. I have always felt behind with him…realizing as I seek to “teach” him something that I’m probably months behind when he was first ready to crest that milestone. He quickly becomes bored and I quickly realize he needs a better challenge…so back to the drawing board I go, and he goes back to HIS books. I have given myself some breathing room, reminding myself that Scandinavian countries don’t begin formal schooling until 7 and that play, especially outdoor and open ended play, is what they need, but even that doesn’t calm my nerves anymore, as he turns 8 next week.

I need to get back to daily learn to read goals with my youngest, as we haven’t done any of it in about 2 months…He loves art and drawing so much and our discussions are filled with promises of an Art Station in the new house. We have regular conversations about how a project needs to wait until a good time to fit into our rhythm. Never mind the fact that this is probably the hardest area for me to embrace, trained as an engineer and struggling to connect with my creative side.

I think I can count on one hand the amount of “school lessons” we have done in the last 2 months…my strategy during this chaotic time of building our house and moving has been “Fit it in where I can”—we literally wrote it down! The hardest part is not seeking to catch up and gain back ground when we do finally take a day for school. The kids are used to doing their own thing, which is worthwhile, but not conducive to being on my agenda for even a few hours. My goal, on these rare school days, has been to give them some freedom to choose and focus on keeping it joyful. We have a long way to go to get back into a routine that looks anything like school, even a half-day.

Coasting is probably the label I would put to our philosophy right now… A hard philosophy for me to accept in general. And when I realize that instead of 3 or 6 months, that it has stretched into over a year, I battle with guilt and concern if it will be enough…

I haven’t written a New Year post in 3 years (see?)…I have realized that writing is something I need for myself and to recognize how long it has been since I’ve written shows me that even my rest and relief has taken a back seat.

I’m sure there is a whole world of people who can relate, whether homeschooling, building a house, or not. It’s the way life goes for most of us.

Taking on too much – A staple in our marriage

One thing my husband and I actually have in common in our personalities (which if you know us is rare…despite our shared values on the important stuff), is that we almost pride ourselves in how much we can take on and accomplish…just take a look at our Annual(-ish) update! So our plate has always been overloaded and we have kept it that way, even if it wasn’t pretty.

In 2013, we got married, had a destination wedding ceremony (basically a bunch of long distance planning for me), moved me across the country to Los Angeles with Cameron where I started a new job in the Air Force. That year, we also had quite a few curveballs: the government shutdown happened during our honeymoon, I ended up with Shingles, and I was having terrible back-flare ups. And frankly, navigating the newlywed stage for us was an unpleasant rollercoaster rather than a dream. I would argue that the newlywed stage for strong and vastly different personalities like ours is quite different than what the movies show you. It’s certainly not a season I pine for.

In 2017, I got out of the Air Force and had our first baby after a painful journey of infertility (a season that has come back around). We purchased Cameron’s father’s business and then moved across the country to expand that business to the midwest. And on top of it all, Cameron insisted on tackling a whole house remodel, AND we bought land in WA to build a homestead one day…and then there was the second half of that year!

In 2022, we moved out to Washington and started building our new home, of which I was the project and financial manager, planning to be out of pocket for about 2 years. We integrated with new families, built a shop on our property, began homeschooling in earnest (and I subbed part-time for our co-op), and traveled out of state about 20 times that year. Oh, and we added a few hats for me to wear in Cameron’s business, as you never have enough people in the world of small business. One of those hats was party planner for a 40-person office retreat (with a fully remote staff) in a not-quite-finished-yet barn. Never mind that I had no time.

In many ways, my technique for handling the inevitable anxiety that this pace brings, is best summed up in the book of Matthew:

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” – Matthew 6:34

Living in the present “trouble” was about as much as I could manage. It wasn’t some noble Christian application however, but rather a practical reality of living from self-induced fire to fire. And my mind found plenty of room to worry about even the present. We were in the whirlwind…

I’ve often been told we need to take things off of our plate. And that may be true, but that usually doesn’t help any of us in the moments where our plates are full, especially when many of them are beyond our control: caring for a sick loved one, recovering from some disaster that turned our world upside down, choosing to homeschool your children and still needing to work. These circumstances don’t go away immediately. There is almost always a season of “riding it out” even if you manage to decrease your commitments. The main thing we have control over in those moments is how we show up in the midst of them.

Here and Now – Almost out of the whirlwind

AI Image by Carol Burley from Pixabay

In the midst of this year of transition, Cameron is significantly scaling his business, while backfilling 3 sales roles in the company and I have signed up to tutor for our co-op and become an official member of the leadership operating board for his business. On top of that, Cameron and I are leading the start-up of a Trail Life Troop at Firmly Planted Family, plus a family Bible study. So to pretend that things will quiet down is a bit unrealistic. This is just our way…

However, my desires are so different now. My pride in our task management has been humbled. And I am starting to see the cost of such a life. I still don’t expect our pace and commitments to drastically change, but I pay much closer attention to whether or not my time is serving our biggest priorities as a family. Though, almost amusingly, this upcoming year seems quiet to me. I don’t mind the amount of things we juggle, but I am learning to live in it differently.

Amidst all the balls in the air, I’m asking myself where and how I need to be present. I am asking myself what is important to focus on. I am asking how these moments feel to my kids and even myself. I am practicing letting go of my desire to manage much beyond our current season and refusing to pressure us with the idea of catching up.

My days now look more like:

• What amount of learning-time can we handle with how out-of-rhythm we are in our home-schooling?
• What project would help me accomplish my desired outcome with the least amount of preparation and/or excess?
• What needs to be taken away or added to help us embrace the purpose during this season or goal?
• Where can I find the good in how our day played out? We read-aloud together and talked about God, my boys had a whole day to explore outside…instead of we didn’t get any lessons done today…I worked the whole day and ignored the kids. (God’s wisdom to us in Phil 4:8)
• What do I need for our holiday season to feel peaceful? What do my kids need?
• What would give me rest and reset while the whirlwind is swirling? If I say I need to walk in the woods with the dogs…you’ll know why ;). My prayer time has found a place…
• How much time do I want to give to this task? Instead of how much time will it take to complete this task?

Because being present in the midst of a whirlwind requires tremendous dedication and focus. Accepting that your plate is too full requires letting go of what you aren’t able to focus on and giving it to another day and time that doesn’t yet have to be determined.

“You get what you focus on. So focus on what you want” -Steve Mehr

It won’t be anywhere close to perfect. Perfection is another thing you have to let go of in a life like this. But it can be good. I am constantly resetting and re-evaluating how I am doing because things never stop and I’m not always able to live this the way I want to. And yet…

All Things New

God truly makes all things new…but we need to reflect on HOW He does that…

Winter happens to be a favorite of mine. The purposeful way in which God created the season and the animals who endure it holds so many powerful lessons.

“He directs the snow to fall on the earth and tells the rain to pour down. Then everyone stops working so they can watch his power. The wild animals take cover and stay inside their dens. The stormy wind comes from its chamber, and the driving winds bring the cold. God’s breath sends the ice, freezing wide expanses of water.” Job 37:6-10 NLT (emphasis mine)

Patience, waiting, stillness, renewal, death & rest and the subtle difference between them, hunger, and ultimately…appreciation for the season of budding life that springs from it. It is not possible without the winter.

“See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land.” Song of Solomon 2:11-12

Our life feels as if Spring is right around the corner….

I’m so thankful for the ways that God has transformed me through these seasons. I am so thankful for the new things that are blooming this year and I want to take the time to notice it all. How the seeds planted and the lessons learned were so needed for the next season of our lives. That God can purpose and use every gift that we offer to Him and He can do exceedingly more with it as we yield it over to Him.

That our world will bear the fruit of the seeds we planted so long ago…

• A beautiful and organized home on property with our extended family, built to share and enjoy with others
• A place with so much beauty, I’m drawn outside among the trees and the mountains, even in the rain!
• A homeschool rhythm and an environment to thrive
• A more present and focused version of myself
• A purposeful and intentional approach with our children that is about broad brush strokes: freedom to choose Christ, building critical thinking skills to apply to any area of life, and developing our God-given gifts and personalities into a Godly character with a heart of obedience.
• A life that is probably still over-committed, but intentionally invested in the priorities we care about most: Christianity, parenting, leading and teaching others.

For me, writing is a way of reflecting and every year that goes by, I prefer to spend my time reflecting on what I have learned instead of setting goals for the future.

So I am not focused on the ways I am behind, of which there are many; it’s inevitable.

I’m focused on what God is doing in this season and all the beauty it holds. I’m focused on how to enjoy the chaotic season and notice the fruit of the Spirit. I’m focused on the ways our winter prepared us to enjoy the springtime. I’m focused on the beauty of every little detail in this new season.

It takes dedication to find quiet and stillness in the noise and chaos of a whirlwind…But we know who holds the answer…it is the One who created it. And you don’t always have to calm the storm to find it…after all…we don’t always have control over it.

“You will winnow them, and the wind will carry them away, and the whirlwind will scatter them. You will rejoice in the Lord.” Isaiah 41:16 (WEB)

We only control what we do in its wake…Are we sowing into the wind when it’s time to sow? (Hosea 8:7) or in the words of the hymn…are we sowing the seeds of the Kingdom?